"My Life as a Corpse"
I have often been asked how I got my start. In fact after more retellings of my tale many have urged me to put together an account of all the events in order. This work is the result.
I didn't want to be dead. Please understand that right away. I had envisioned as my life's work (no pun intended) something more in the fashion model or fighter pilot line - but I got to be dead instead, so there I was. Rotting. Smelly. Tricky. I had to make the most of it. Many will question the choices I made, but please remember the obstacles I faced. In restaurants, I was shunned. Waiters refused to serve me, my own mom tried to lock me in a box. I felt desperate to gain acceptance. No one wants to face their prejudice of the non-breathers. I had no self-help books to consult. Neither Oprah nor Jerry ever did a show on us and even the ACLU refused to recognize us as a minority worth defending. We had no advocate. One day I realized I could delay my fate no longer. I had to run for President. I knew I had no chance - it was a desperate measure to gain public awareness and press. I was the dark-horse. I chose as my running-mate an octogenarian with one foot in the grave, to curry favor among the living. (He was also Puerto-Rican, which didn't hurt.) My platform was simple, strong: "Better dead AND red." For my Celtic ancestors had foreseen the day I would rule the world from the grave - A GRAVE RULER said my posters, and Miguela, my running mate, gave a fund raiser. Both living and dead were invited. Some fences were mended. Both groups were able to discuss their differences civilly, though many felt the dead had less of a voice. Often, they settled for rattling chains or slamming windows , but the 50 mediums hired for the event did their best to channel and interpret the Ouija Boards , which most folks seemed to appreciate. To make a long story short, we got the word out, and the publicity our campaign generated led to the establishment of a new government office dedicated to protecting the rights of the living impaired.
