PsycheSaver 3000

Today was the day I had chosen to make the first step. That meant going just a bit over the edge. Just a bit, mind you, because that edge could be nasty. The last time I got close to it, my psyche slipped and almost fell over. That's why I had installed PsycheSaver 3000. The saleswoman told me it would help me through trials, tribulations, mishaps, parking tickets, job interviews, spinach, and sitcoms. But I wondered if it could really do anything against sitcoms, and if so, would it also assist me with talk shows and stand up comedians. They were the ones who had done the most damage, and had led me here in the first place. Now for the first time I could see the end of my pain, when I would finally turn off the television. Just imagine the quiet. My mind would be unfettered by the trauma of deciding which remote I needed. I think I might even be able to ... no, take it easy, today is just the first step. I assumed the lotus position and began to relive the soap operas in my mind, trying to conceive of my own contrived endings. No more passive fiction vessel will I be - hummm! My butt started to get sore, so I assumed the donut position. And this time ideas came! First I thought of a boss cheating on his wife with his secretary, whose high school ex shot a senator who exposed a plot from the mob to kill the boss, then I saw the Boss enter the witness protection program and become a male escort to his own wife who didn't recognize him because of the plastic surgery she'd had done. Almost spent I thought, maybe the butler did it. Then I realized the butler would never survive my PsycheSaver 3000 Trauma Screen (TM). So I dumped that idea. Butlers are notorious for their implacability, and if pushed, their thinly veiled sarcasm. I assumed the Butler Position with some difficulty, almost taking out an eye, and did ten buttles. I was then exhausted, but I felt I had taken my first step towards televisic freedom.