The Luck of the Elvish

(post-titled by Alan)

He leaned in, and kissed the rock passionately, leaving an imprint on the frost and a tingle in his lips.

"That," he explained, "Is what the Blarney Stone is for."

"But why?" asked one of his students.

"Well," he began while protecting his lips from the onset of first degree frostbite, "That is a question for second or third year students - why don't we stick with some of the fundamentals this semester."

"But why?"

"Why, is not on the exam," he rasped, "only this is on the exam," and he delivered another wet welt to his frozen friend. "Now everyone!"

"Timmy has germs!" Brandy complained, after he laid his first smacker on the rock.

"Can I kiss a different rock than Jane?" Hilary whined. Little rivalries like this kept his job interesting.

"It's a big rock, so you can each kiss a different part of it." He, Mr Gumm, was proud of his job. He had held the post of Frederick Montague Memorial Kissing Instructor for fourteen years, and prided himself on matriculating every class - every student - as first class Igneous Smoochers.

The certificate that hung in his office was Gumm's pride and joy.

So no student weaseled out of their assignment, 'no rock untouched by lips shall pass mine' was his motto. If their lips weren't sore by the end of the lesson then he wasn't doing his job.

That night, Edmund (-"pointy-ears") applied glue-stick to his white blistering lips. Glancing at the December month on his extreme-ironing calendar (a present from his clueless Aunt Arlin), he saw 8 more days until the big baseball game against Gussy Down Middle School, their rival. Since kissing the Blarney Stone, his batting average was twice as good. He wondered what the connection was, and began speculating about it in his blog. But since the only readers he had were his imaginary friends, and they didn't post comments very often, he didn't think he would ever figure it out.

With lips stuck together, as Mr Gumm had instructed him, Edmund phoned Lulu-Bell and asked her to be his date. Thinking he was a prank call she hung up, but Edmund was not to be deterred this time.

He quickly text-messaged her on his cell.

"wil u b my d4te?"

"N0! u R p0wned!" she shot back, a moment later

"i11 a$k Br4ndy" he rejoined. At the mention of money, he got the response desired. She wanted him.

"k but 0n1y h4nd - n0 x" beeped his phone. Thats fine the other guys would still be jealous . So his dating luck had gotten better too! Walking over to her house, he started to worry. What if the luck came from the kissing and not the Blarney Stone?

Lulu answered the door in her usual yellow and purple plaid frock with matching shoes and hair ribbons.

"Mm mm mmmm," Edmund said earnestly, handing her a flash-drive with a VR flower bouquet to upload. (They were yellow and purple pansies - score one for him!) He pecked her with cracking lips on the cheek and mumbled niceties to her parents, hurrying to get to the game before Lulu-Bell changed her mind and broke up with him by phone.

There he spotted Mr. Gumm in the crowd, who was looking a little more flash than before, a new suit, and a martini with an olive, flanked by babes with fur scarves and tinted bouffants. His luck looked better, too. Suddenly, the baseball flew into the stands and smacked Lulu-Bell in the belly. Stunned and breathless, she sat down abruptly and her her stomach. The fans nearby scrambled to get as far from her as possible, trampling those in the bleachers and knocking the baseball team down like a row of dominos.

Only Edmund stayed. Receiving an encouraging nod from his mentor, Edmund leaned over her and gave her the Kiss of Life, ripping open the seal on his own lips to do it, and getting cheered by all of his (imaginary) friends.

She even tasted nice.

She awoke with a different look in her eyes - one festive spark he was sure would grow. Edmud would always remember the Christmas he kissed the Blarney-stone.