The Continuing Adventures of Lord Luvaduck
Or, The Near Brushes with Adventure of Edward Sweetcheeks

(pre-titled by Terry)

Dropping off the cliff, the masked figure plummeted quickly to the roiling river below and surfaced a minute later further upstream from where I waited. Wrapping him in a wool blanket and handing him a plum, I began the debriefing. Once all three pairs of boxers were off, he felt comfortable discussing how the mission had gone.

"A qualified success," he began. "Except for the third hallway, where the guards were gambling in a group, I was as quietly lethal as I have ever been. Now where's my recompense, Edward?"

"First, proof, Luvaduck."

"Ever the stickler, eh? Well, here is the handwatch of the Viper Lady, a copy of the Jade Pigeon, and a scalp from a guard, for your boy, Edward."

Dripping and snivelling into my lace handkerchief, Luvaduck produced the aforementioned items out of thin air - except the scalp which he had the cheek to procure from behind my ear with a boyish grin. A droning sound caught our attention, and Luvaduck leapt to his feet instantly, arms akimbo and ears straining. I followed his gaze, but not his stance (I was only a secondary character and couldn't strike heroic poses).

"That's a Romainian biplan," Luvaduck muttered, and paused, "and it is carrying the weight of two men," his head uncocked, and leveled his gaze . "There should be the abandoned floozy of some Viennese tycoon somewhrere in the forest here. Let's find her first!" He donned the bomber jacket and breeches I provided for him.

"How do you do it, Luvaduck?" I asked.

We hurried off into the forest. "To Try is to Do, Sweetcheek!" he called back to me before disappearing into the underbracken, using his finely honed camouflage skills as he was apt to do in any environment while on the hunt.

"I smell her," Luvaduck warbled lightly from somewhere nearby. A few minutes had passed, and I'd lost him three times already. "Jasmine and Chrysanthemum, what good taste she has!" he continued. "Over here, Edward. Come with me a mix a little pleasure with your business."

I was of two minds, stay in the adventure, or be written entirely out of the story. I had to watch, though. Entering a clearing, I found Luvaduck standing over a bewildered wench in a begrimed fur coat. Luvaduck produced two wine glasses from the jacket, and some Pinot Noir. "If only we had a fire," he said. He noticed a squirrel and made some chittering noises. It raced off.

Within two minutes, it returned with some flint rock in its mouth. While comforting the shivering floozy with one arm, Luvaduck gestured to me with the other. "Spark us up, will you Sweetcheek." As I made us a fire, Luvaduck foiled the floozy's attempt to assassinate him, gave her a knee-weakening smooch and turned her into a good woman. She led him to the bi-plane where he disarmed two burly henchmen with a wave of his hand. He was halfway into the cockpit when I called out,"Luvaduck, just tell me one thing." He looked up from cleaning his boot on one guard's face.

"Make it quick, Sweetcheeks! I've got a plane to catch!"

"What do you do with all those women?"

With a grin, he said "The department stores give me a good rate." He laughed robustly, with his epicurean zest for life The floozy laughed too, of course, since she didn't understand the language. She climbed into the rear cockpit.

"Be a dove and hand me your boxers, dear boy,"Luvaduck requested with a quick wink and a quirky grin. The man could talk the pants off of just about anything, and who was I to deny him any request?

The floozy blushed an dgiggled as I dropped my drawers and wriggled out of the undergarment, tripping over my own feet and catching the boxers on the tip of one wing before finally getting them off.

I'd never be as suave as Luvaduck, but I didn't envy him - I adored him! I waved and waved as he took off, leaving me two days away from civilization with nothing but my shirt, shoes, a flint and a bloody scalp.

Hopefully I would make it home safe and sound, for I longed, above all else, to be in the bext exciting adventure of the Lord Luvaduck Chronicles, who would next appear in a failing submarine off the coast of India with only 3 seconds of air remaining...