Glue Sticks

(post-titled by John)

It was not the first time I had been found laying in a vat of warm glue, but it was certainly the most highly publicized. I couldn't go out in public for a month without being recognized from the newspaper pictures. Of course, it didn't help that I couldn't change my clothes, so I still matched the photos. My bowler hat stuck out particularly. Someone was certainly making a profit from my disorder. I would be talking to a waiter, or a woman, or a busdriver, and I would start to black out. I would suddenly find myself in ... sticky situations. The glue incidents were only the most literal ones.

The 'Bart Motel' incident was perhaps the most popular, as my then girlfriend had filmed the whole thing and sold it for a sweet million the very next day. But I was learning how to profit from the disorder myself. For instance, to clean up the square all I had to do was roll across it - all the trash stuck neatly (so to speak) to me. I could do in half an hour what took most people 35 minutes. It wasn't much of an edge, I admit, but you can interest people in anything. I started a do-it-yourself videotape series, and the public library carried it and public cable. Pushing my talent, I pioneered a new method of mountain climbing. There would be no free-fall with me around! Clients would lather themselves up, and wherever you dried on the mountain, there you rested.

Yet another idea that seemed better than it took. But I swear, I will get those folks unstuck and return them to their families one day!

My newest business venture is a dandy, and I'm sure that you will see why investing a cool $60,000 in it is a no-brainer . The mayor backs me 100% on this one, and her support is hard to come by. All operators are fully licensed and bonded - and of course, insured. The risk is all mine. But don't take my word for it. May I present something that will keep you glued to your chair. The amazing ... money saver! It's a special glue coated wallet - it lets money go in ... but not back out! Buy less than you expect, ever! It is the perfect key to savings! You may want to get those diamond earrings, that one excercise bike, or perhaps, a loaf of bread, but get up to the purchase counter and ... no way, Jose! Not going to happen!

Sitting here in my hot tub filled with Elmer's glitter glue, I can tell you that the 'Moneysaver' sold well in gag gift stores and got me sued by a conglomerate of consumers the likes of which the world has never seen.

Success don't come easy, as you know, but the wallet led to jail time wherein which I met The Scuzz and he , well, he can tell you in his own words what that fateful meeting led to. Give a warm welcome to - The Scuzz!

Stop, please, you're too kind! Save your applause for someone worthy of it. I'm just a normal guy trying to get by, you know? But you're probably wondering why they call me 'The Scuzz', right? Well, it comes from an overdeveloped pituitary gland I've had since I was eight. I was a hairy boy. I mean hairy! My own mother once fed me dog food my mistake. Even after our mop dog had died! But let me tell you about Elmer the chemist next door. One day he said to me, "Hey, I'll bet you'd like all that hair to come off, so you can mix in polite society. Well, I've for this new lotion..." And the rest is history. I found that I liked the sensation of his lition as it tore all my body hair out. And I stuck to things! So now you know my story, and you know Barty's tale, which is only one chapter behind mine.

"People," I implored on national television from the armchair I was stuck in, "You can make a difference to thousands of hairy children all over the world, children who unlike me and The Scuzz may not have been fortunate enough to live on the same block as Elmer and his fabulous glue, children who had to endure their hirsute shame unmitigated by any remedy. Let me tell you, even with as much scandal and public outcry as I have gone through in my attempts to cope with my condition, I would never go back to the old days. For the sake of all those young ones who have no recourse, please, give now, and give generously. Operators are standing by."