The Fart Ninjas
(pre-titled by Terry)
The truck pulled up next to the compound of the mafia warlord Vince How. A butt-crack team of commandos spilled out and scaled the wall, crawling over roof, rampart, and skylight. Team Leapfrog went first, scaling the wall like human spiders, descending upon the guards from above and each one dropped silently and simultaneously to the ground. Next came Team Burp-up. They provided the smoke cover and "poison" gas that took out the sentries. Kent Helpya watched from a bamboo rimmed screen - a closed circuit that they had tapped. The image flickered from the gas.
In one hall, Duke ran into a guard, arm resting on his machine gun. The guard aimed. Quickly, Duke cocked one leg and fired the "Transporter," a fart similar to throwing one's voice. Release was subtle, but 20 ft off, it "detonated."
The guard fell while pieces of skin peeled off him and his lungs were corroded away by the acid. Duke was already past and stepping over the other victims further down the passageway. He reached the door to the vault, and regarded the security sensors - Kent chimed in over Ninjacom,
"Watch those sensors, Duke, they're wired for vacuum!" Duke, unphased, dusted off his assless-chaps and said wryly, "How do they do with hot air?" He positioned himself and used the "Pellet" - releasing repeat charges with incredible, surgical precision, buttocks trembling with the effort. The hinges melted, along with the sensors.
Up ahead, he saw Baha coming.
The old gas bag! She was How's right cheek woman, a bodyguard as loyal as the fart is long, and born with no sense of smell. Duke had faced her many times, his gadgets useless, his training the only thing between him and a most unseemly demise. They faced off like gunfighters, each sizing up the other. He noticed a difference in her since their last confrontation, something he thought might give him an advantage , she was in a wheelchair. He could hear Kent calling for his backup in his ear, and hoped it would come soon. The walls of the hallway were rough hewn stone Duke did an about face and got butt-up, like a skunk. He aimed for the ceiling and used the "Afterburner," the most dangerous fart for the user. It carved a smoking outline
A slab dropped from the ceiling. Baha shrieked, legs crushed by their weight. The severed top half of her body still clawes towards him.
Duke's partner, Jackdaw, came running over. He leapt over Baha like a Russian ballet dancer and let drop one from his tights. It rained down on her with Blue Fire (also the name of the bomb) and incinerated her from the inside out. Duke nodded his thanks to Jackdaw who now owed him a mere half-dozen times. The pair dashed on down the corridor, anxious to get to the basement bunker where How was hiding. They rounded a corner , but even with their training, they were unprepared for how How defended himself. Candles were lit everywhere, How in the center. Their primary means of attack was disabled. The whole place could blow! Unless... meeting gazes, they knew what to do. They aimed their butts and fired a rotating "Mountain Spring." With incredible concentration, their colons separated the methane from the pure wind. The methane went to their front cheeks, inflating their faces like a toad's.
The candles blew out. How panicked. They released the methane from their cheeks, poisoning him. He hit the ground with a thud. They bound and gagged him.
"Good one!" Jackdaw shouted.
Duke concurred. "Now that's silent but deadly."
