The Continuing Adventures of Lord Luvaduck
or The Continuing Near-Brushes with Adventure of Edward Sweetcheeks
(pre-titled by Amber)
“Sweetchecks – hand me that salami!”
I obeyed with pleasure, but fumbled the toss in my exuberance and the hard loaf sailed up and over the edge. Surely it would be lost I bemoaned internally, and so would our lives…be – but I had yet again underestimated Luvaduck.
He made a spectacular dive involving impossible back flips and defying gravity, caught the salami and unwrapped it in one smooth motion. Loading it into the torpedo bay, he turned to me with a flair and said, “This is the best use I’ve ever found for a salami.”
“Of course, I have been practicing this for 10 years and finally I can show you how good I am!” Sweetcheeks says it with pride!
“No Edward,” Luvaduck said, as he examined the tube, “I’ve never done this before, but since this continues the plot, and the thread of action, I’d better do it. I’ll do it better anyway.”
My lip quivered “That salami will never penetrate...”
“Watch!” Luvaduck barked.
The salami scattered like buckshot ten feet short of the German warship. In a minutes, hosts of sharks descended, knocking the boat off course, clogging the propeller, virtually.
From some unseen location, Luvaduck produced a blunderbuss and a handful of jaw breakers. The red-and-green speckled candies clattered down the barrel as he leaped towards a fountaining leak on the other side of the submarine.
I didn’t know how any man could move forward against the gushing flow of water, but Luvaduck failed again to fail me. He swam against the current, strong as a salmon, but without the aura of inevitable death. If anything, Luvaduck reminded me of the persistent human dream to be immortal. He embodied it. Perhaps that was why my brother and all my family and most of his hometown hated the dashing Lord, who disappeared into the German darkness.
Within seconds the flow of water decreased, and oxygen returned to fill my aching lungs. I waited for Luvaduck’s return, ready to offer him any assistance. The clock ticked. He could not hold out so long. Another thirty seconds elapsed as I became frantic. Ten more seconds. Ready to weep and bemoan his loss violently, I was not prepared for what I heard next.
“German warships sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,” came Luvaduck’s singsong voice from above me, “German warships sinking down, down into the deep. Come, Edward!”
I looked up wonderingly. “Wha…,” I managed.
“Sweetcheeks, take my hand, man – we must be off now.”
So I took his hand but I still doubted this would be a good idea of leaving at this moment.
“But, what about the 30 Lebanese sailors that were trapped behind the welded-shut door at the other end of the submarine?”
“What do you think took me so long?” Luvaduck It couldn’t be! Luvaduck had engineered a human chain all the way to the stalled warship. Following Luvaduck, we climbed sailor by sailor to the hull of the ship. They held their breath astoundingly simply as a result of Luvaduck’s pep talk and their soulful seafaring courage.
Dismissing them, he mouthed “Remember the carpetants men!” underwater, and they rose, preparing to float back to shore. Luvaduck and I held onto the deck rail, shaking fish out of our trousers and laughing. “But Luvaduck, how are we going to overcome a boatful of muscular, cannibalistic, vengeful racist Germans?” I sputtered.
Luvaduck wrinkled his brow, paused, and asked, “Do you still have that paper clip I gave you?”
(Continued on 03/10/2007)
