Rumpelspockskin

(post-titled by John)

Li Zheng looked out the open window, clutching the hour’s results on the firm’s standard yellow paper. Jumping from the second floor wouldn’t really do much, at least for his family, but... a cold, logical voice behind him said ”Don’t.”

“Huh?” He turned to see a pointy eared green man in a low budget costume.

“Don’t jump. I can turn all those inter-office memos into stock shares. All you have to do is send 22 easy installments of $19.99 to the number at the bottom of your screen. If you reply in the next 30 seconds, I’ll even throw in this wonderful DVD set about the Holocaust.”

“I’m... uh...” Zheng recovered well, all told, “not looking at any screen.” Perhaps the creature was a demon; perhaps a good spirit sent to distract him from thoughts of death - maybe a hallucination from too much late night tv. Still the only thing to do was to be literal. “And I prefer VHS.”

Taking that as confirmation, Li Zheng felt the money being subtracted from his personal account and winced as his balance dipped dangerously into the ‘massively-overdrawn’ zone and flags went up accordingly. True to his word though, Mr. Pointy Ears delivered the goods by morning.

Li Zheng’s boss was not impressed though. He merely demanded twice as much growth by the next morning - or else! Uncertain what to do, Zheng went to the supply closet to think.

“Where are my lucky yellow papers? I need them to talk to Spock now!” Zheng said it while searching the closet. (Of course, he said this to himself in Chinese, which went more like, "我的幸運黃色紙在哪? 我需要他們來跟Spock溝通.” The search only turned up some normal, and a few unlucky yellow papers

However, Spock met him outside the closet. “Need help again, huh? Codependence is so illogical. Quick, bring me those sticky notes.” And again he made stock shares. “In return, I need to sell your children to a tribbles broker, so I can repair my warp drive. Unless you can name the actor that plays me.”

“Didn’t you play with Shatner on that space show from the 70’s? Oh wait! Jim Henson did Yoda!”

“That was the other ‘space show’, and ours was from the 60’s,” Spock replied.

“So you’re obviously not Shatner, and you’re not that Scottish guy that died, obviously you’re Spock, but the actor’s name... Bilbo Baggins video was a bad move, by the way.”

“The kids, then?” Spock was implacable.

“I don’t have any kids,” Zheng explained. “That’s why I need the stock shares.” He slowed down, because he felt this really should be obvious by now. “You see, there’s this girl. She’s hot. Her parents are rich. We met at a karaoke night club and my friend was drunk and said I was a millionaire with a country home in the Lake District and she actually agreed to go out with me and our date is Friday night. So you see the problem.”

After two more nights of miraculous conversions, Li Zheng fulfilled the dream and was floating in the pool a year later (having traded the country home for a small castle a few months ago and added several modern amenities according to the girl’s specifications). Something cannonballed into the water right next to him, and broke the surface, blue uniform sparkling in the sun.

Zheng paled as he recognized the greenish skin and pointy ears. How could a year have passed so quickly?

Spock looked up at Zheng’s home. “Unless you anticipate a military attack by ancient weapons, a castle is a highly illogical choice of dwelling.”

“Uh,” said Zheng nervously.

"That," intoned Spock, "is also illogical. I have come for your children."

"Chinese law only allows one child per couple" Zheng finally managed to blurt out. "Besides that, I think I know your name!"

Spock looked sceptical. Zheng said, "De Forrest Kelley!" pointing his finger.

"You are wrong and illogical," Spock said smugly.

"Lennerd Neemoy," a child said, (Zheng's cousin), coming over, which in Chinese meant "Can I play Nintendo?"

"No! You can't!" Spock screamed jumping up and down, and showing emotion for the first time.

Zheng looked wonderingly at his young cousin. "Yes, that's right, it was Leonard Nimoy! That was the actor who played you! Ha!"

"NOOO!" Spock screamed again, stomping on the ground and tearing at his uniform. He rent his trademark prosthetic ears with his bare hands and threw them into the pool, turning less green and more sallow in the face as blood rushed out of it.

Zheng, getting out of the pool lazily, commented like daggers: "Going on a tirade isn't logical. Ruining your costume is hardly less so."

Turning on him, fingers held in a certain gesture (but not one of a long and prosperous life), Spock spat: "I'm half human, too!"

"That's right!" said Zheng. "Human needs sleep! That's why we now all go to bed and have a sweet dream!

"Good night, Spock!"

"Good night, Zheng."