Relationship Issues

The strangest things can go through a guy's head when he thinks he's about to die. Adam realized he couldn't remember the address of the first house he lived in, for example, and it really bothered him. It seemed more important even than the bullets making Swiss cheese in the plaster all around him.

He ducked down, trying to blank his thoughts and let his training take over. The gun had been knocked from his hand in the attempt he'd made to get away from the hulking ... thing ... now facing him down. Adrenals hitting his body like a punch in the gut, he rolled out of range by what seemed like millimeters and made to reach the railing around the stairway leading down. Swinging himself under it, the gritty, rusty metal rail ripping the flesh of his palms, he dropped heavily to the concrete floor below. Above, the heavy footsteps and occasional chatter of machine-gun fire continued — perhaps it hadn't even noticed his escape.

But escape to what? He looked around — the basement into which he'd fallen was dark, damp and seemingly lacking in any other exit.

A rusty toolbox; an even rustier industrial water heater; a washer and a drier; a bucket with something that used to be water, with a mop slowly disintegrating in it. There must be something here he could use. Pine street? No, that's where he lived in college. Some sort of animal, maybe. Raccoon Street? Deer Road?

Adam shook his head. Focus, dammit!

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Okay. Okay. He wasn't going to die here, he wasn't. Sure there was a huge, massive monster crashing around looking for him, with full intent to turn him into mush, but,hey, at least it wasn't as bad as his seventh grade math teacher.

He reached into his pocket, grinning as he remembered what he had stashed there just in case.

Pulling it out, he frowned. He could have sworn the blade was bigger. 10 inches, at least...

Wait, no, that was the blade Jonathan had had when they were 14. He'd impressed all the girls at school with it until he'd almost cut off his own hand with it. The memory made him laugh, until a loud thunking alerted him to the thing still after him.

No, his blade was 4, maybe 5 inches. Would it work? ... he couldn't think.

A rhythmic clicking sound got his attention. He listened carefully, filtering out the thing's noises upstairs. The clicking was coming from ... his left foot.

Click. Click. Click. He looked down. Droplets hitting the stone floor. Drip, not click. Blood. Where the hell was his foot? He knew it was there when he came in.

He fell over. No. No no no no! He is not dying here. OK, take stock. Bullets. Blood. 1850 Florence. That was his first address. Next order of business was bandages. Wait, what about the gunman? He continued. Up. Up?

The knife would help, but what he really wanted was a bottle of painkillers. A fist full of them would help about now. He needed a weapon, did he have time to MacGuyver one? He really needed a rubber band and a paper clip.

Slipping in blood he hit the cement floor with a curse and a sigh, then spent the next few minutes looking for his feet. He needed them! Now more than ever!

It was at that moment when Adam put a couple bloodied finger in his mouth that he made a shocking discovery. The blood wasn't really blood, it was tomato juice. Adam leaped to his feet and stormed into the living room. He was furious and instantly knew who would play such a mean-spirited prank on him. "JAYCE LEBIK!" Adam screamed. "I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!"

The monster paused, then suddenly its skin dissolved, and Jayce his little sister, was revealed.

"No, it actually wasn't my fault this time," she told him. "It was Freddie the carnivorous hedgehog. He wanted to know if you were edible and decided this was the best way to find out."

The upshot being that when your girlfriend turns into a monster and drives you into the basement by shouting at you, and your first though on finding a 10 inch knife in your pocket is to stab her, maybe there are issues with your relationship.

Adam needed a new set of friends.

Maybe on Craigslist.

Maybe a new, eviler girlfriend would help him plot his revenge.