Christmas Stains
(pre-titled by Amber)
That one is from 1899 when Miss Harpie ‘lost it’ during a hayride up to Texarkana Heights. See how its [sic] bluish with red around the edges? The blue is from blueberries, of course – though come to think of it, blueberry juice is usually purplish, but I can’t imagine what else would make that unnatural color – and the red, well, that would be the wild cherry elixir the doctor had given her for her chronic hiccups so she could go carolling that night. Or maybe that one is the one from two years ago – when I came downstairs Christmas morning and found Santa Clause [sic] pasting his old bubble gum on Miss Harpie’s sleeping, snoring form.
They say its [sic] the bubble gum that gives him his power of flight – not the reindeer at all. They also say I can’t hold my liquor, so I pay them no mind. Not a one of those stains is mine, I’m proud to say. My brother, on the other hand, has generated no less than fourteen of them – including the one you’re sitting on right now. No, you don’t have to get up, I can relate the story, and the stain, from memory. It was the 70s and Jamie – my brother, you know – had a cold on Christmas, and grabbed what he called “an old rag.” It was Miss Harpie’s dress, you know. After a few good honks, he used it to check his oil dipstick for the annual trip to the sacred and venerated conifer stump. The next day, when Mittens scratched a hole in that sofa just before company was to come over, Miss Harpie’s dress was the only thing handy, so Mother used it to mend the hole. That explains the discolorations and the dark spot, as you’ll see when you get up, but I have not yet been able to account for the yellow spots… oh, that was you? So glad you’re making yourself at home. But wait, let me catalog it really quickly… Okay, now vomit, gum, liquor, phlegm, motor oil, sap, sofa foam… but that leaves only… noooo! Not the iodine drops. How did you snuggle those out of the… oh, in your back pocket of course. Congratulations. You’ll probably leave here one of our top 5 for Surface Area, and maybe top 10 for stain depth as well.
But you will also be guilty of forging a dress stain, on a dress rich with history, heritage, and… well, biological matter. And for that, you must atone. You can start by divesting your household of all bleaches, lemon juice, soda water, hydrogen peroxide and all your laundry and pet stain removal products. You will live with your stains for one year. At the end of that time, you will lick them, to show your true dedication and appreciation. Then you will have created a new stain with your very own saliva. Finally, you must – wait, where are you going? Come back! I was saving the best stain for last. Oh man, why do they always leave?
